I’m a Pastor. Why Can’t I Fix My Marriage?

“Seeing the people, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Therefore, beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.’” Matt. 9:36-38 (NASB)

At some point in your life, you heard and answered the call of the Lord of the harvest. You have taken up the mantle of leadership within the body of Christ, a calling of some honor and much sacrifice. As well, you have committed yourself in covenant to a spouse. Remember the hope you carried as you embarked on these journeys, the confidence in the rightness of them, the clarity of the path ahead.

And yet now you’re here, reading this blog. Somewhere along the way, the hopes you had for your marriage crashed into reality, maybe in a moment of heart-rending crisis, maybe in small, almost imperceptible ways day after day as the arcs of your life trajectories began to pull you farther and farther apart. How can this have happened?

And perhaps more to the point, why haven’t you been able to fix it? No doubt by the time you’re reading this, you’ve spent hours in prayer. You’ve applied biblical principles. You’ve tried to talk things out. Maybe you’ve consulted with other pastors or ministry leaders you respect. Honestly, maybe this isn’t the first blog post you’ve read. You’ve tried. Even now, I want you to hear that God sees your heart, the effort you’re putting in. It’s not in vain.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist who’s worked with many couples over the years, let me first assure you that no one-size-fits-all solution to your marital problems exists. If you think of your marriage as a house, first recognize that it doesn’t exist in a uniform development.

Each house is unique. Further, as the houses need repair, they don’t all break down in the same ways. Some will simply need fresh paint or maybe some new landscaping, some will need new locks on the doors, and some will need full foundational restoration.

Likewise, each relationship is unique, and the tools required to repair them will vary. What will be needed in every case, though, is the willingness to put the time and effort into the repairs, and the humility to recognize changes, even sacrifices, you might need to make to begin to move your marriage in a more hopeful direction.

The Delicate Dance of Flock and Family

As a therapist, counseling someone to prioritize his family over his work is generally a pretty cut-and-dried, straightforward proposition. However, when your work is your calling, when you’re working less for a boss and more for Christ in a vocation that demands a certain on-call availability, the lines of hierarchy can blur quickly.

If a clear plan of action regarding how you will allot your time and attention has not been established (via discussion with your wife, among others), the most seemingly urgent need will often take priority. The danger to your marriage can be very subtle in this area.

Consider your spouse’s point of view. Perhaps a planned date night was waylaid by an urgent church matter that came up at the last minute. She wants to support you in your godly work. She may file this mentally under “sacrifices I must make for the kingdom,” but emotionally she will be disappointed, and more and more so as these sacrifices accumulate over time.

Many pastors’ spouses report feeling very alone, deeply desiring a more intimate connection, but often feeling guilty about this, as though sharing or pushing for fulfillment of these desires would somehow be placing their agenda ahead of God’s. Perhaps you’ve reinforced or even fostered some of these same sentiments within your spouse. You know this, but it may be helpful to hear it again: God has entrusted the care of the souls of many of His precious children to you. First and foremost among them is your spouse.

Then the rest of your family.

Then your church family.

Again, I know you know this. I simply provide this reminder because maintaining this order is very difficult. Maintaining this order will be opposed in the spiritual realm. We don’t drift toward this; we have to fight for it.

One final thought on this topic: Having a solid, healthy ministry won’t necessarily improve your marriage. Having a solid, healthy marriage will certainly improve your ministry.

Fixing vs. Validating (When it Truly Isn’t About the Nail)

When I work with couples, I often like to show them a funny YouTube video titled, “It’s Not About the Nail.”

Maybe you’re familiar with it. In it, we’re shown a close-up of a woman complaining about a distressing pressure she feels in her head and sharing her corresponding fear about whether it will ever stop. As she turns toward her presumed husband, we see in profile a large nail protruding from her forehead. Her husband hesitantly mentions the nail in her forehead, to which the wife replies, “It is not about the nail.”

They go back and forth about it until the wife exclaims, in frustration, “You always do this! You always try to fix things when what I really need is for you to just listen!”

What I find really interesting about this scenario is that while the husband is indeed correct in his diagnosis of the problem, he’s incorrect in assessing what his wife is desiring in the moment. While she doesn’t communicate this at the beginning of the video, it becomes clear that what she’s desiring from the exchange is not a solution, but rather validation. She’s wanting to share her feelings, to feel heard, and to be met in them with understanding, care, and safety. Even as she communicates the desire to be listened to, her husband could have responded defensively. If she’s not in a position to hear the truth, that’s her issue, right?

As a therapist, I see this approach all the time, and it’s a road to escalation, wounding, and disconnect. Sometimes we have to choose between being right and being safe. In the video, the husband recalibrates his approach, saying, “That sounds… really hard,” to which the wife responds, “It is. Thank you,” as she leans in for an ultimately doomed kiss attempt (because of, you know, the nail in her head).

Why is actually practicing that type of more understanding approach so difficult? Here’s one thought—as a pastor, people are constantly looking to you for wisdom, for direction, for solution. And many times they’ll treat you with a level of respectful deference. If you’re not keeping an intentional eye on it, it can be hard to shift out of that gear when you get home. After all, why should you encounter less respect at home? Why should the way you care for people be so meaningful for everyone else, but so ineffective with your spouse (and maybe even with your children as well)?

The reality is that being an effective husband and being an effective pastor are different roles, requiring different tools. Think, for example, of a surgeon and a therapist. Both work to heal those in our care, but to treat with surgery what calls for therapy will be at best ineffective and at worst very harmful. Similarly, to respond to your spouse’s bids for connection as you would a congregant’s desire for counsel can lead to further breaking in the relationship, even as you both desire to move toward healing.

If you’ve felt this, perhaps a good starting place is James 1:19 (NASB): “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” Especially with your spouse, be quick to hear, quick to listen. First, tune into her heart, and ask follow-up questions before rushing in to fix or solve.

Concerns About Seeking Professional Help

“What would happen to my witness if the church found out we were in couples counseling?”

Have you had this thought? It makes sense. Pastors are so often looked to as the shining examples of Christian leadership. You are the ambassadors of Christ for so many, who may indeed look to you as a tangible representation of godly strength, integrity, and righteousness. What damage might come if cracks were to appear in that image?

Perhaps as much as any other reason, the weight of these concerns keeps pastors isolated, struggling alone as marriages crumble, as pornography takes a tighter and tighter hold, and stress builds toward an eventual breaking point. I want to encourage you—don’t let it be you. Don’t let concerns about how people view you as a leader keep you from taking the necessary steps to grow toward actually becoming the leader you’re called to be—not perfect, not devoid of the need for God’s grace and the help of His people, but rather, willing to model godly humility in seeking God’s grace and the help you know you honestly need.

As Christians, and this includes pastors, we’re not called to maintain an image of perfect strength; we’re called to genuinely pursue righteousness, purity, and healing.

Earlier, I highlighted the question, what damage might come if cracks were to appear in the godly image you’ve curated. Consider by contrast what damage has come as pastors have not sought help when needed and ultimately fallen short of Christ’s example. Sadly, we’ve seen this time and again.

If the church finds out you’re in couples counseling, maybe some will think less of you. I can’t say that’s not a possibility. But if that’s the trade for healing your marriage, isn’t it worth it? And who knows, maybe some others will be inspired to take that step in their own marriages.

Humility - The Log in Your Own Eye

Sadly, by the time many couples arrive in my office, they’ve spent far too much time attempting to navigate conflict in competitive, accusatory ways. As each spouse shares their view of what’s brought them to this point, I often sense a courtroom-like energy, in which each party has spent years preparing to bring their grievances before some type of 3rd-party judge (in this example, me), in the hopes that I will exonerate them and convict their spouse. I’ve sat with numerous couples as one spouse shares a deep wound they’ve received from their partner, only for the other to then turn to me and say, “I just can’t understand what I’m doing wrong.”

The reality Jesus addresses in Matthew 7:3-5 is our human tendency to have a very clear view of the faults of others and a blindness to our own. I see this most powerfully with couples. I’ve certainly felt it in myself in my own marriage. What I tell couples, and what I will share here now, is that healing will come much more quickly if you can humble your heart enough to be willing to look first at your own shortcomings.

Can you accept the challenge to set aside the list of grievances or the desire for personal vindication, and instead open your own ears to hear how you might make changes to bless your spouse? Be willing to do what is necessary to remove the log from your own eye. This is humility, and we know that God has promised to give grace to the humble.

Forgiveness: The Missing Ingredient

Finally, I’d like to share one parting thought. The longer I practice couples therapy, the more I find that there’s simply no road to hope and healing that doesn’t pass through forgiveness. I don’t say this lightly, as the wounds we receive from our spouses are often the deepest (perhaps rivaled only by our parents). But those wounds will fester, and resentment and bitterness will grow until forgiveness is offered. Even more to the point, Jesus is very direct and clear about the importance of forgiveness, especially if we want to be forgiven ourselves. As much as you can, and with God’s help, be quick to apologize and quick to forgive.

As Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (NIV).

If you’ve made it to the end of this article and realized professional Christian counseling could help you marriage, I encourage you to reach out. I specialize in working with pastors and their spouses to restore broken marriages and help them live in the fullness God has for their relationship. You can click here to request a free consultation with me.